searching...

For something. For answers I suppose, but that still seems more abstract. For questions, I think,s is where it starts, at least for me. I am searching for the right questions. I can move all over the world, and live wherever I want, but unless I ask the right questions I'll get the same wrong answers.

When I left home, I think part of me envisioned the move, the drive, the whole thing as an epiphany waiting to happen. I actually expected the relocation to refresh me, and just somehow make things better. What I've come to learn however, is that it wasn't the location that needed to change, it was me.

It's only been two months since I've been gone, and I know that's a short time to expect miracles, but I say when your right your right, and there's no point delaying admitting it. Don't get me wrong, I like it here, a lot. I enjoy the lifestyle, being active, going out and doing things. I've loved spending more time reading and biking, talking and hiking. I've enjoyed learning new things, and I still look to the drive here as one of the best times of my life.

The point of that last paragraph though is that the things I'm doing, the things I like here, have nothing to do with being here. Yes, being around new people and new places kick-started my own new perspective on myself, but none of the things I've enjoyed the most are limited to here. I can have them anywhere. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I can enjoy those same things, because they're me, they're a part of who I am, or hope to be.

So I guess it has helped to move, in that I could get a new perspective. But when I left I was asking myself how to look at the world differently. How do I view this life and see it better, or more clearly? The reality is though, I simply needed a new perspective on myself. How do I view myself better, and more clearly? How do I make myself what, and who I want to be. It isn't where I am that counts, it's who, and it's how.

With that idea in mind, I can start asking the right questions now at last. What do I want? What will I do with this gift God gave me? As far as I can tell, this is my one and only chance at this, and there's no point not taking advantage of it. I need to ask myself the questions, and then find what, and who, and where will make me happy, and then get it. Don't wish it, do it. Don't want it, be it. No more daydreaming, leave the dreams for when I'm sleeping, the day has to be for living...somehow, somewhere. Anywhere. To quote a Green Day song, " I've been waiting a long time, for this moment to come. I'm destined...for anything at all".

That's really all I have for now, and it's not much. But it feels like a start. As I write that, I'm wondering how many times I've said it before, but everyday is a new beginning I suppose. Love to all...

Im saying no more. I refuse to settle. I refuse to accept things. I refuse to stop dreaming. I refuse to give up love, to give up passion, to give up the idea that it's there. I refuse to sell myself short. I refuse to fail because I never tried. Ive spent so long, too long, wondering why things didnt work. I refuse to sit still. I refuse, as some have said, to sit in the room full of doors and choose none. I will go through them, around them, or kick them the fuck down. I refuse the notion that my soul should not be set on fire. I refuse to settle for less than a passion to light the skies with. I refuse to be the one holding myself down. Fuck that and fuck me for doing it for so long. I refuse.